we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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