Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
