If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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