you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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