I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
