btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
