I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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