Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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