just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
