I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
