shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
