someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
