I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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