And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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