If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
