I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
