I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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