Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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