What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize