My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My dick has a subreddit
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
