I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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