My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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