Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize