drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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