I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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