my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
