Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Bring me that man meat
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