I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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