I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
