those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
