is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize