New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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