I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
