apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
