Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
