So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
