We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
