i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
