So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
