I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
