ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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