o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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