Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
