I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
