is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
