Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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