Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
