Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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