Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
