The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
