dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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