I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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