The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize