I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
