i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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